


Don't say I'm not the only one

by sin_nibbles



Category: Phan, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, fluff is at the end, mostly angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-27 04:13:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7602988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sin_nibbles/pseuds/sin_nibbles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Yes you are!” Dan snapped, his head lifting up to stare into Phil’s eyes as he yelled at him. “Yes you are because everyone does! Everyone I’ve ever loved does! They all leave me and I always get heartbroken and..” his voice broke as his anger vanished, invisible tears began to stream down his face as he continued. “and.. i just didn’t want to see you leave me too..”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't say I'm not the only one

**Author's Note:**

> don't mind me, this is just plain angst

Dan sat in the corner of the room, staring blankly at the pale ceiling. His legs where pressed tight against his chest, his body was shaking slightly. Dan’s mind was racing but his thoughts where blank. He sat, hidden slightly beside the couch, watching the ceiling. Grounding himself silently, trying to grasp onto anything real around him.

His eyes burned and his throat tightened as he tried to focus on anything, anything else. Dan dropped his dead stare and searched wildly across the room for something that would help him. But nothing could.

_He doesn’t love you…_

He heard a familiar voice echo in his mind.

_He doesn’t love you and he never will…_

Dan squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to will the voice away, will the pain away. His chest tightened and his breathing was shallow.

“No, no, no, _no!_ “ he yelled, snapping his head back, the pain was numb as his head collided with the sturdy wall. His hands where balled into fists, squeezing so tight his knuckles where white. “You’re wrong!” He started repeating that to himself to make it more true. “You’re wrong, you’re wrong, you’re… wrong…”

Every time he said it he believed it less and less, and his voice slowly faded out.

_He doesn’t love you… he never has…_

Dan’s muscles slackened as he let his head fall against his knees. His head pounded from pressure, his hands throbbing. Dan’s heart hurt, it felt like it had been torn to shreds, and there was nothing he could do about it.

_You’re not worth it he is too good for you…_

His body shook as he let go, tears stinging his eyes and his throat burning. This was all his fault. He knew the voices weren’t real, he knew that his mind was playing tricks on him but he couldn’t deny the nightmares he’s been having. Waking up shaking and crying beside the love of his life because he just woke from a reality where Phil left him for someone else, someone better. Phil never woke up when Dan shook himself out of night terrors, or maybe he did but didn’t say anything about them.

Dan couldn’t bare seeing Phil leave him, because he had never felt like this before for anyone else. Every dream he seemed to have ended with Phil smirking at him, closing the door behind him as he left with all his things. Leaving Dan on the floor with a broken heart and a soul that’s been torn to shreds. Every time Dan woke from these dreams, a little piece of him died every time. Though he would never tell Phil, he didn’t know how. How could you possibly explain the heartache that wracked through him whenever he heard Phil talk so lovingly about someone else. He could never ask him to change that, that would be selfish of him. He could never ask for that. He wouldn’t even bring this up with Phil in fear of him getting upset. Dan just didn’t want Phil to ever leave him.

Dan still sat, scrunched in the corner of the too small room, staring at the details on his black socks. He took note of every strand of fabric, trying but failing miserably at grounding himself. His breathing was shallow and irregular, his chest recovering from the violent shaking of his sobs. His temples pounded fiercely with ever heartbeat, his tongue thick in his mouth.

Dan felt miserable. He probably looked it, too. He couldn’t get that voice out of his head, that one annoying small voice that kept repeating the same damn thing.

_He doesn’t love you as much as you love him…_

Dan knew that the voice wasn’t real. He knew it but it felt so real and felt so true that he couldn’t help himself. Phil didn’t love him and that was the facts. Dan couldn’t cry any more, he didn’t have any energy left. He just sat, shaking slightly, staring blankly at nothing.

_He doesn’t love you… he never has and he never will…._

Dan was giving up, he couldn’t handle living like this anymore. Always guessing wether Phil loved him back or not, it wore through him. He felt like his soul was being ripped slowly from his chest and he couldn’t bare to feel this way. He reached a shaking hand towards his phone, seeing all the missed calls from Phil. He couldn’t do it, he needed to end this pain. Dan went to call Phil when a sound echoed from the front of the flat.

Dan stiffened as he waited, listening to what the sound was. Shortly after, a soft *click* echoed through the flat and the muffled sound of keys.

“Dan?” Called a worried voice. “Dan are you here?” His voice was calming but made him anxious at the same time. The sound of footsteps came closer to the living room where Dan was sitting. Dan just sat, rigid, he couldn’t move. “Da-“ Phil stopped mid sentence as he walked into the room and saw Dan, huddled in the corner. “Oh my gosh Dan!” Phil rushed over to him, and Dan didn’t reply. He just watched with stinging eyes as his boyfriend sat in front of him, clad in his usual colourful t-shirt and skinny jeans, his face a mixture of shock and worry. “Dan…” Phil lifted a hand to wipe away a tear trailing down Dan’s pale cheek. “Dan whats wrong?”

Dan took a second before answering, he couldn’t think of something to say.

“I..” Dan’s voice was hoarse as he tried to explain, clearing his throat and trying again. “I don’t want to lose you-“ His voice caught in the end, but he fought the tears. His body shaking more violently than before. Confusion crossed Phil’s features as he tried to process what Dan had said.

“Dan.. what do you mean?” His voice was soft and comforting, which wasn’t helping Dan’s decision. “I mean,” Dan choked out, sitting up a bit straighter. “I don’t… I don’t think we should be together anymore…” Dan had a hard time saying it because it felt wrong, it felt so wrong. He watched Phil’s face become more confused, and hurt.

“But.. I don’t understand..” Phil sat back on his knees, his eyes never leaving Dan’s. “Where is this coming from?”

“I hear you joke about seeing yourself dating PJ..” Dan explained, dropping his eyes to the floor. He couldn’t look at Phil when he said this to him. “And.. and maybe you’re right. If you want to date someone else you can I’m just standing in your way.” Phil was still very confused, but he accidentally let some anger slip into his voice when he answered Dan.

“So you think I’m just going to leave you? Just like that?” Phil said, his eyes stared intensely at Dan. Phil was starting to get angry, first Dan wasn’t answering his calls and now this?

“Yes you are!” Dan snapped, his head lifting up to stare into Phil’s eyes as he yelled at him. “Yes you are because everyone does! Everyone I’ve ever loved does! They all leave me and I always get heartbroken and..” his voice broke as his anger vanished, invisible tears began to stream down his face as he continued. “and.. i just didn’t want to see you leave me too..” Dan sat, empty and numb, not caring anymore that he was crying.

Phil’s anger faded as he looked at his boyfriend, his brown hair was curly and covered his bloodshot eyes. His body was shaking and his face was flushed from crying. Phil reached up to brush the hair from Dan’s face.

“Dan..” Phil said softly, barely even audible. Tears falling from his icy blue eyes. “I would never leave you..” Dan looked up at him, unsure. “I love you too much to leave you.” Dan’s heart hurt, and hearing that made the pain ease slightly. Just slightly. Then he remembered.

“But the nightmares,” said Dan.

“I was going to ask you about those,” replied Phil with a worried tone. “What happens in those nightmares?”

Dan sighed, wiping his face with the paws of his long sleeve before answering. Dan decided on wether or not he should tell him, he had told him this much. Maybe he should make something up instead, he didn’t want to reveal that part of himself to Phil. That broken part of him that seems to be unfixable. He didn’t want to make Phil have to worry about him every night, Phil doesn’t need that. But he needs to know.

“It’s always you,” Dan began, looking at the floor. “It’s always you. It always starts out with you and i, happy and in love. Then someone else shows up. You start to walk towards them, and I do all i can to keep you from leaving my side. But it doesn’t matter, you tear from my grip and leave me forever for this new, better person. It destroys me but I can’t tell you about it because I don’t want you to worry…” Dan finished with a sigh as he looked back up at Phil, who was looking off somewhere, deep in thought. “So, I was just terrified that you where going to leave me..” Dan added, waiting for a response from Phil, which took some time. Phil finally met Dan’s gaze, his eyes where full of sorrow.

“Dan.. why didn’t you tell me?” His voice sounded so small, so lost. Dan could tell this was tearing him apart almost as much as it was hurting himself.

“I didn’t want to, I didn’t know what to say,” Dan answered quietly, barely above a whisper. Phil sat for another moment, thinking about everything, rolling Dans words through his mind and trying and grasp onto something.

“Dan..” Phil said after a while. “I meant it when I said I love you, and I’ll mean it every time after that. It doesn’t matter how many times I say it I’ll mean it more and more each time. I love you. I’ll always love you,” Dan’s heart stopped as he processed what Phil had said. His body stopped trembling as his heart filled with such warmth that it hasn’t felt since he first met Phil. A small smile crept onto Dans lips as he leaned forward and hugged Phil tight.

“I love you so much,” said Phil, hugging Dan back even tighter. Dan’s mind eased and the small voice he was hearing was crushed from the weight of what Phil had just said.

“I love you too,” said Dan into the crook of Phil’s neck.

Dan slept that night without a trace of nightmares.

**Author's Note:**

> *this is from actual experience for most of it so that's why i wrote it if you where wondering*


End file.
